A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says – “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Yesterday I saw a man spill all his scrabbles letters on the road, I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, “They’re right behind you!”
What should you do if you’re attacked by a group of circus performers? Go straight for the juggler.
A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender says, “We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies, “Who names a drink ‘Barry?’
So, the Pope is very early for his flight so he asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he’s a bit rusty, so he’s driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope “Hold on for a minute,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”
Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”
Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”
Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”
Cop: “More important, sir.”
Chief: “A major politician?”
Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”
Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”
Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”
Ray Lindwall never bowled a bouncer at me. He said that if he couldn’t bowl out a number nine then he oughtn’t to be playing for Australia.
Jim Laker
The batsman was out first ball. On the long walk back tot he pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman.
“Hard luck,” sneered the new batsman.
“Yes. Its a shame that I had to be in the middle of a hat-trick.”
The bowler had just gone out to bat when the telephone rang in the pavilion. A player answered it to be told it was the bowler’s wife and she needed to speak to her husband.
“I’m sorry, but he’s gone out to bat.”
“Oh, thats all right,” replied the wife, “I’ll hold on.”
The bowler got the batsman to snick a fast rising ball and the first slip took it cleanly. The umpire said, “not out.” The next ball was also caught, this time by the wicket keeper. “Not out,” said the Umpire again. The bowler’s next delivery was unplayable and completely uprooted two of the three stumps, the bowler looked at the umpire and remarked, ‘That must have been quite close.!”
It was his first match for the second eleven and the batsman was lucky to have survived the first over. As the square leg umpire moved in, the batsman said nervously, “I suppose you’ve seen worse players.”
The umpire fiddled with a pencil he had in his hand.
The batsman spoke again, “I say, I expect you’ve seen worst players.”
“I heard you the first time,” said the umpire, “I was just trying to recall.”
The captain refused a request from a player to miss the four-day county match.
“I can’t excuse you. If I did I’ll have to do the same for every player who wins £7 million on the lottery.”
They were short of an umpire so the captain walked into the bar and asked if there was an umpire present. One woman stepped forward, “I’m an umpire.”
“Have you stood before?” asked the captain.
“Of course I have and my three friends here will vouch for that” came the reply.
“Thank you for offering, but I don’t think we’ll accept.”
“You don’t think I’m an umpire” said the lady.
“Quite frankly, I don’t, because i’ve never heard of an umpire having three friends.”
The touring captain called the batsman to one side.
Tomorrow’s Test is going to be tough. These West Indian quickies are super fast and I want to talk to you because I need a batsman with great concentration, good eye, strong constitution, a battler with exceptional technique and who can really stand up to fast bowling, so thats why i’m making you twelfth man.
“Carl Lewis – what a great runner…All his arms and elbows and knees running in the same direction.”
Ron Pickering, BBC Sport.
“So, its five 1,000 metre laps, plus a bit to make up the 5,000 metres.”
BBC Athletics Commentator.
“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” –
Billy Connolly
“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker.
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”, He said: “How flexible are you?”,
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.
Tommy Cooper
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel for a celebratory Christmas dinner and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
”But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
”Because,” he said
”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
“He is taking me so serious, he is fighting under closed doors.”
Lennox Lewis, British Boxer..
A man says to his wife, “Grab your jacket I’m going to the pub.”
She asks, “Oh, are you taking me with you?”
“No, I’m turning the heating off.”
“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.
I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila.
It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time in a quick pace.
He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”
“He’s a very dangerous bowler – innocuous, if you like.”
David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd.
The only time I have seen an Australian walk is when he’s run out of petrol.
Barry Richards (Hampshire and South Africa).
To watch the West Indian captain laying into the demoralised English bowlers is like watching Martina Navratilova playing Little Orphan Annie.
Tony Cozier.
In the years 1910 and 1911 I had fifty-one innings, with ten not outs, and an average of nineteen. This I consider quite a creditable average for a poet.
Siegfried Sassoon (Poet)
‘She (Monica Seles) has so much control of the racket with those double-handed wrists.”
Virginia Wade.
Fred Perry – “It’s all a question of did he (Agassi) or didn’t he practise?”
Dan Maskill – “And I think the answer is, did he?”
“There is a very-sad looking Stephen Hendry, but you’d never know to look at his face.”
Ted Lowe.
“If England lose now they’ll be leaving the field with their heads between their legs.”
Geoff Boycott, SKY TV.
“Ah yes, in the days before the microphones on the pitch, we got that blind MP chap up into the commentary box to lip read…”
Brian Johnston.
‘My cricket’s all been played in a triangle of about two or three square miles.”
Phil Carrick.
“Here he comes – racing in like an express train down the runway.”
Rob Key, SKY TV.
Dougie Donnelly: “John Lowe, you’re now three times World darts Champion, what does that mean to you?”
John Lowe: “It means I’m three times World Darts Champion.”
“The British public sees with blinding clarity”
Michael Heseltine.
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake, he lit the candles.”
Les Dawson.
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’”
Alan Carr
“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.”
Billy Connolly
“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’”Well,
Paul Merton
“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’”
Peter Kay
“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’”
Jerry Seinfeld
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.”
Rob Beckett
“Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win.”
David Lloyd
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please… and one for the road.”
I went to the doctor the other day and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” So he gave me a kite.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal”. The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him “Juan”. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: “They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What’s the difference between Cinderella and the England cricket team – Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with cricket.
I’ll be honest, it’s knocked me for six.
Why are England batsmen and Lewis Hamilton so similar? If you blink, you’ll miss them.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!
Two pieces of fruit sat on a hill, suddenly another piece of fruit rolls past. One fruit turns to the other and says: ‘Wow look at that man-go.’
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had very low elf esteem.
What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar?
He got 12 months.
What should you give your parents at Christmas?
A list of what you want.
When would an English cricketer have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.
What did the Australian cricket fan miss when he went to the bar?
The entire England innings.
What is the height of optimism?
An English batsman putting on sunscreen
Nathan Lyon was in the middle of a spell during the last Test and an English fan shouts “Oi Garry, is that sandpaper trailing from your pocket.”
To which Lyon replied
“Nah mate, just the Ashes.”
Why did the English cricket team need a lighter?
Because they’d lost all their matches.
A batsman was playing in a very important match when he saw a funeral passing the cricket ground and he held up his hand to stop the bowler from bowling. Then he removed his cap and stood at the wicket with his head bowed in silence until the funeral cars had passed. Afterwards he replaced his cap and continued batting, hitting the next ball for six, clean out of the ground. At the end of the over the wicket-keeper said to him, :That was a very kind gesture of yours, paying such respect to the funeral procession.”
“Well,” said the batsman, “it’s the least I could do, I was married to her for 30 years.”
‘My Husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t agree.’
For those who don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they’re making a male version…it doesn’t listen to anything.
There are many stories about Yorkshire, Somerset and England player Brian Closes’ total belief in his own infallibility and one of the most quintessential was recalled by Peter Roebuck when Close was captain of Somerset. Roebuck, right at the start of his career was batting pretty well, unlike the veteran Close at the other end, who could barely lay bat on ball. At the end of an over Close wandered down the pitch for a chat and Roebuck fondly imagined that he might just be in for a word of encouragement, if not praise. ‘I don’t know lad,’ sighed Close. ‘Don’t understand it. It’s bloody unplayable at my end, but they’re bowling complete rubbish to you.’
‘Getting Past Irish Immigration’ – Click on this link and ignore the advertisement at the beginning.
Some ‘Blonde Man’ Jokes…
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts
“Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers — “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do…it’s for dry hair and I just wet mine.”
A blonde man spots a letter on his doormat. It says on the envelope “Do Not Bend”. He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the telephone,
“My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!.”
“Is that her first child,” asks the doctor.
“NO!,” he shouts, “it’s her husband.”
Teacher – “What is the best thing about Switzerland?”
Pupil – “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Helvetica, Times New Roman and Calibri walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender, “We don’t serve your type.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and………………….Coke.”
“Why the big pause?” Asks the bartender.
The bear shrugs and answers, “I’m not sure: I was born with them.”
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hairline.
David Steele was brought into the England team in 1975 by new captain Tony Greig. When opener Barry Wood was out LBW to Dennis Lillee, the grey-haired right-hander from Northamptonshire arrived at the crease to hear Lillee being ribbed for not telling anyone that his dad was playing in the match. Steele ignored everything, looked straight past the Aussie wicket-keeper Rodney Marsh and muttered, “Take a good look at this arse of mine: you’ll see plenty of it this summer.” Test innings of 50,45,73, 92, 39 and 66, and then a century for Northants against the Aussies proved him right.
In his first season of opening regularly for Lancashire, Graeme Fowler was batting with Clive Lloyd. Lloyd called Fowler down mid-over, Fowler, surprised asked ‘What?’. Lloyd looked down t the fresh-faced young man and said ‘My piles are killing me!’ And he turned and walked back to the non-strikers end.
Fowler asked Lloyd after the close of play, ‘What on earth did you do that for?’ To which Lloyd replied, ‘Well, I thought you were looking a bit tense.’
Thank you to everyone who has sent in jokes and anecdotes, tales and stories throughout theist year for this page – it has been really appreciated.